For some reason I always assumed I would be dead by 50. As early as I can remember, it has always been in the back of my mind that I would die violently in a car crash... or more accurately, a fiery car crash. Its a weird feeling to go through so many years believing I would die by fire. I still jokingly tell people that I believe my last words will be "Oh Crap!" Those two words seem to encapsulate that helplessness we (as people) feel when we see the inevitability of a situation we have no control over. Such is my life - Oh Crap.
It wasn't always this way. Once I believed I was the captain of my ship; able to steer through rough seas and the petty squabbles of my fellow man. Not so. My life has been a constant education about myself and my abilities. Every so often I think about how smart I am, and a few years later look back on myself with mockery at how ignorant I really was. If you are any intelligent person, you will realize that our ongoing, daily challenges and triumphs will shape us into [hopefully] better people as we age.
I started this blog in the hopes of building up myself again. Somewhere along the line, I lost enough pieces of myself that I feel fractured. No longer whole. When I assumed I would die at 50, I had never imagined my fiery crash-and-burn would be metaphorical. I never imagined such a change in circumstances, outlook, peace within my self (or more accurately, a lack thereof), and feeling of loss. I never thought that once again, I would lose a large part of that "Something" that makes me, Me. This is not the first time I have felt my life has been altered in some huge, and drastic way. I can see it now- this is going to be a longgggggg blog.
Maybe by writing it all out, I can find those pieces that have been lost along the way. Hopefully at some point, I can regain my footing and take a few more steps forward in my life.
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